Late Night Chat with Jeff: Controlling Anger, May 13, 2024, live on Baba Zoom

We have some informal chat after every arti, the "post-arti party"! But once a week, Jeff Wolverton joins us for some serious mining of the spiritual depths. Join us for conversation, more readings, songs, quotes - you never know what treasures will be uncovered!

Topic: Controlling Anger

Dear folks of Baba,

One of the greatest challenges facing us in our life with Baba is acquiring a natural control of anger, without repressing it. Baba has said that it is possible through great effort to rise above putting lust into action (an entanglement with the gross sphere) and greed (an entanglement with the subtle sphere). However, the root of anger is embedded in the mental sphere, which is at a much deeper level. He says that to control anger requires the intervention and grace of a Perfect Master or the Avatar. Therefore, we are faced with a Herculean task and have to turn to Baba for help.

Baba has said that anger is used for domination and aggression. It is used for getting our own way, and sometimes if we don’t get our own way, we get even angrier. One of the insidious forms of anger is embedded in our values and beliefs which we sometimes think of as sacrosanct. We think that no one should violate our sacred beliefs! People sometimes feel that their values are the true and correct ones and should prevail with others (including with their children) and the world around them. When they are not respected, a "righteous anger" is often aroused. Because the root of our values and beliefs are on the mental level, it is no small achievement to root out their domination and avoid forcing our values and beliefs on others.

Anger takes many other forms, from rage in extreme cases to its hidden form of resentment to its more subtle forms of annoyance, irritability, sarcasm, disapproval and impatience. I don’t think it will be possible to gain control of anger without dealing with these more subtle forms.

There are two insights from Eruch that have been extremely helpful for me in dealing with anger. If you express anger toward someone, he said, see that you apologize to them afterwards. Naturally, this can often be very humiliating, a blow to the ego and an admission that our behavior has been inappropriate. And the humiliation of knowing we will have to apologize afterwards acts as a deterrent to expressing anger in the first place! We are not dealing here with anger when it is used to protect or defend oneself, which is another topic entirely. Anger is an impediment to the soul’s growth when it is used for the ego, but not when it is expressed in the cause of love and truth.

Another invaluable insight I learned from Eruch is how to express mock anger, that is, expressing anger without really being angry. It can get the job done without really hurting others. For example, suppose I am rooming with a couple of guys in college, and neither does much of anything to clean up after themselves, such as doing the dishes or cleaning the bathroom. If I don’t say anything and just let it happen, months can go by and naturally a resentment begins to build. When I finally speak up, there is a tremendous anger that comes through that can be hurtful and alienating. But if at the very beginning I express mock anger such as, “Hey you guys, am I supposed to be your mother and clean up after you! Let’s share in keeping this place clean." The effect is not as insulting and shaming. Rather than there being a hurtful barb in the anger, there is a softness in the intensity that makes its point clearly and without hurt.

Controlling anger is a massive challenge, and I’ve only touched on a few aspects. I think it would be very interesting and informative to hear different ways of approaching it from all of you.

In His love, Jeff

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